2003 Marked a very enlightening year for me. I've always hid the fact that I'm a cancer survivor from people. I don't like the looks they give, the sigh they can't help but let out in the attempts to not say anything they would thing is stupid or embarassing. Even in this day of liberal thoughts and actions, people still recoil from the "C" word - I was one of them.

My road to survival began when I was about 15. I was diagnosed with Entrometriosis which is an extremely painful and disabling condition of the uterine lining being shed to the outside of the uterus into the stomach cavity. This tissue, or adhesions, are very tacky and they will "glue" organs to each other. I've had to had serveral operations to remove organs from each other - my stomach from my spine, my liver from my pelvis - it seemed like it would never end.

Just when I think everything is settling down my latest batch of tests comes back positive for cervical cancer. My world dropped out from underneath me. My cancer was more alarming since I had pre-existing conditions of tissue displacement and we had to be very careful of how we were going to treat me. I underwent more operations - removal of cysts - removal of more adhesions, freeing up my organs so I can be without pain. There's no pain like having your bladder "glued" to your intestines.

After about 1 year of treatment for the Endrometriosis my cancer spread from my cervix into my uterus. Being as I'm now diagnosed with Metastic Cancer (cancer spread from 1 place to another), we had to start getting serious and take serious action. At 25 I found myself, yet again, on the operating table where they were going to take out my uterus, ovaries and tubes - Radical Bilateral Hysterectomy. Two days after surgery I'm down in the cath lab being "fitted" for my lines to start Chemo and Interfuron Therapy. There were days and nights I would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep praying I wouldn't wake back up.

Like most cancer patients I had to learn how to cope and look beyond the pain and sickness to see that I can survive. My follow up tests were coming back with positive feedback and I was responding very well to my chemo. I endured the sickness, being tired, loosing hair and dropping weight because my tests were saying I was doing very good. Life starts to get good again, I'm going to live and I'm going to do something with my life.

Three years into my follow up's I start having some pretty servere cramps in my tummy. These are *very* much like the ones I would have when I had endrometriosis, but of course I don't have that any more. The chances of adhesions being present still is slim to none since they would have made their presence known LONG before now. Back to the doctors I go and they run some more tests. I was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer. I'm admitted back to the Oncology Dept where I undergo some more tests and proceedures, then another operation to remove 3 inches of my small intestine. Another course of Chemo and we're hating life again. How can this shit be happening again?!? No one had any answers that I liked, but of course I hated everything about life at that point in time. I was incredibly depressed and thinking that I would *never* pull this off since I've already been through it once and my luck hasn't been so great so far! I went to my treatements, did all the right things and got my body better - but my spirit was broken.

You find healing in the most bizarre ways when you're sick. I was walking around the hospital in between appointments and I sat out on the lawn. I heard this chirping sound and went over to a tree close to me, there was a baby bird who had fallen out of it's nest. The poor thing wouldn't survive, it's head was badly hurt and was swelled up so much already. I started to cry and thought that God can't spare anything nor anyone. I don't know how long I sat there for and held the bird in my hand as I cried, but I finally came around and took the bird inside. I gave him over to a security officer and they took care of it for me. I didn't know what to do with it. As I walked to the offices where my Oncologist was I got to thinking that I could be that bird. I could be "discarded" and no one would know. I have nothing to show this world that I was here. I have no children and no legacy. Somehow that hit me hard and I decided that it was about time I started to build my legacy and make my small mark on the world.

Time heals as it passes slowly. I've long since healed and have moved on with my life. I've hid the fact that I'm a cancer survivor because I didn't see how I could be proud of being sick. Somehow it always make me think I would be a hypocrite in some morbid way. June 14, 2003 marked the 1 year anniversary of my step dads passing of lung cancer. The Canadian Cancer Society holds an annual event - Relay For Life - where you can go and honor someone who has survived cancer or you can memorialize someone who has lost their battle with cancer. My mother and I decided we would go and memorialize RayRay. What I didn't know is that my mother signed me up as a Survivor.

I find myself in this bright yellow TShirt with "survivor" on it and everyone can see that I was sick. I look out and I see other yellow TShirts. I see these yellow TShirts laughing and hugging each other. They are celebrating with each other!! How can this be?? How can you be happy that you almost died and you had to get so sick before you could live again!?!? It was a very hard day for me. It's not easy looking into yourself and findng a realization you didn't know was there. it's hard to change a "programmed" way of thinking and an attitude about something which was formed by so much hate and pain.

I am now proud to say I'm a Double Cancer Survivor and I wear my yellow TShirt a lot. I've never tucked it away - it's part of my wardrobe. I have pictures that I can look back upon from the Relay For Life and I can smile through the tears when I look up at RayRay's memorial candle which sits on on the hutch of my desk. Relay For Life 2004?? You betcha, wouldn't miss it for anything. The best tears of my life was shed on that stadium ground with the "circle of life" glowing in the dark.

It's been a great year :)